Things I have had to do to do experiments

I was talking to my friend Michelle the other day about all the various things I have experienced on the way to gathering data for research. Lately, I've been watching a lot of Discovery Channel shows about various odd and dirty jobs people have, and also those shows about those crazy academics who go out in dangerous waters infested with killer jellyfish. It makes me realize, wow, I'm glad I wasn't stupid enough to choose a topic that almost kills me. But I have had my moments. Here are a few:

The peeing baby incident: That time when I was conducting research on infants' vision, a mother had to change her baby's diaper. In the midst of doing this, I turned to give the mother privacy and was working on my computer. Suddenly, I felt this weird wet sensation down my back and turned. Yup, you can fill in the rest of this story, but I was on the receiving end of a 6 month old's golden shower. I wonder if this baby (who must be about ten years old now) knows that he pissed all over some poor grad student at Chicago.

The vomiting RA: One time in Chicago, I had an experiment where I needed a confederate, someone who is pretending to be a naive subject but is actually in on the game. My RA came in the lab on a Saturday morning reeking of bar (stale cigarette smoke, cheap beer). She was still drunk. She apologized, and just as the subject showed up, vomited into her hands, which seemed to make things worse, spraying the flow and all over me and my laboratory. Just as the subject was coming in. Needless to say, she didn't last long after that.

The forgotten subject: This one didn't happen to me, but I caused this one to happen. One time, I had a friend of mine come in for an experiment in which the participant decided whether a particular fish was a member of category A or B on a self-running computer program. You see examples of fish on the screen and have to classify them as A fish or B fish, until you get 25 correct classifications in a row, at which point the experiment ends. I started this friend of mine, then somehow got distracted and forgot about him. Most people got the 25 correct in a row in about twenty minutes. Five hours later, I walk into the room for another reason, only to find my friend still at the computer, head in his hands, classifying fish. He got up and started screaming that he was going to Fing knock my Fing teeth out of my Fing mouth if I Fing make him Fing classify Fing anotherFing one of these Fing Fing fishes. I actually had to edit that - he said it with a lot more F bombs. He never let me forget that fish experiment. I think he is still scarred.

Chimp piss: When I was in Japan, I visited the National Primate Research Institute, where they have chimps. While watching one experiment, a baby chimp climbed to the top of his cage. I was about two feet away from him. He then let forth a violent spray of urine, covering me. Interestingly, that was the day I actually peed my own pants the next day, a story you can read about here.

Baby vomit. I was holding a baby for my experiment and it burped, then a little swish sound, and that familiar warmth down my back. I gotta stop working with babies!

There are probably other stories I have locked in the vaults of memory. I'll post any if I remember. Always remember - Don't due this at home. We're what you call, "professionals."